Countdown
Patient: Well Doc, after you checked everything.. how much time do I have left..
Doctor: About 10..
Patient: 10? 10 what? Years, months, what???
Doctor: 9... 8....

SmartAss Teacher
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

911
A blonde comes from work and takes the elevator to her apartment on the fourth floor... she opens her window and in the building across from her there is a fire on the third floor... she calls 911 in a panic state...

Blonde: 911?
Operator: Yes ma'am. what's your emergency?
Blonde: There is a fire across from me and people are about to jump off of the windows...
Operator: Ma'am.. calm down..  How do we get there?
Blonde: With THE RED TRUCK.. DUH....

 

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our  beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham  sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"  The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith."   The rabbi nodded  understandingly. He was silent for about five
minutes, and then he said,  "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it"...

Sally and Joe got married...  after the honeymoon she prepared him breakfast... 2 pieces of carrots and a lettuce leaf ... he ate it and said nothing... for lunch she gave him 3 pieces of lettuce and a piece of cucumber.. he looked puzzled but said nothing he thought to himself.. it's healthy and she probably doesn't feel like cooking today but dinner..  dinner time came he gets a plate with 2 pieces of spinach and half a carrot.. This time Joe started to get upset.. What the hell is this shit with all these vegetables you fed me today? He asked.. Sally replied: You fuck like a rabbit, you are going to eat like one!

A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said: "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day, the grandmother died. Holly Shit, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say in her prayer: "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat in water all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said: "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said: "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our porch!"